Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
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Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.