Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
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Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
The Sun’s probably Asian.
guys I’m going home
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
the only organized thing in my life is crime
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.