Imagine having a party on purpose.

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Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog


I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.


I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace


Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.


Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”


Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars


one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process


Watch Forrest Gump

*feel inspired

*toss orthotics out, go for jog

*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker


“What attracted you to our company?”

Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work