@mattZillaaaa
@ReelQuinn Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
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@ReelQuinn 
@Dawn_M_ I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
@Unkle_K I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
@TheAlexNevil Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
@SandyBoynton Good advice.
@Jesssicle Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
@sonictyrant Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
@HumanPog one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
@Green_EyedMama Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
@InternetHippo “What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work