@mattZillaaaa

Imagine having a party on purpose.

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@ReelQuinn

Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog

@Dawn_M_

I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.

@Unkle_K

I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace

@TheAlexNevil

Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.

@Jesssicle

Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”

@sonictyrant

Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars

@HumanPog

one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process

@Green_EyedMama

Watch Forrest Gump

*feel inspired

*toss orthotics out, go for jog

*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker

@InternetHippo

“What attracted you to our company?”

Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work