Imagine having a party on purpose.
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This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
Huge, if true.
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes