Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
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Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
Meowchelangelo
No time to explain get in the wood chipper