Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
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interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
Taco Bell, Exit 22
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
what could possibly go wrong?
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.