Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
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Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*