Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
You Might Also Like
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.