Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
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My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
I hate my earbuds.
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?