Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
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anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no