Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
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wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
crochet youtube is brutal
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
goldfish mafia
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*