Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
You Might Also Like
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
My background check bounced.
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell