Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
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Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy