imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
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*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.