Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
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I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme