@sonictyrant

Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance

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@KattsDogma

“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner

@hookmeupinit

Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive

@WilliamAder

If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.

@longwall26

Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”

@PhuckinCody

I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.

@AsgardianRose

North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.

@ch000ch

*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”

@GetCougarized

Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.

If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.

@AngieDavisHaha

I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.