Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
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THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
My apartment is a mess, I should move
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy