Imagine if spiders giggled when they ran away from us.
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opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
don’t never drink and drive. drive high.
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Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
3yo: Mommy I peed in the bathroom!
Me: That’s great pal! …. Wait in the toilet?
3:…
Me: Did. You. Pee. In. The. Toilet?
3:…
If you don’t fake zombie chew on their heads while you hug your kids once in a while, you’re doing it wrong.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
👾👾👾
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I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
[petting a cat]
Owner: He’s my little fur baby
Me: Oh ok, so you must be his skin mommy
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too