Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
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My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral