Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
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before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes