Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
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[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?