Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
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P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
yeet