Imagine me naked.

Wrong. Fatter.

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I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.


People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.


The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed


Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother


When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”


In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.

“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.


One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it


Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”