Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
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Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!