Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
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I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
All set.
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.