Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
You Might Also Like
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
TEETH IS INNOCENT
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
Time for evil
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
I’m going to need a moment here.
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
tourist season
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.