she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
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[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.