Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
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good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
I already tried new things thanks.
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.