Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
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5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
mom had nothing to worry about
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.