@timdonakowski Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
@That_Damn_Duck Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
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@timdonakowski 
@SortaBad “Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
@JoParkerBear I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
@Brianhopecomedy My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
@Dani_Feld LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
@BonaFideIntent Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
@AndyAsAdjective I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
@olerunkbitch I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
@AndyAsAdjective What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
@cjayanetti BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
