@That_Damn_Duck

Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.

Idiots

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@SortaBad

“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed

@Brianhopecomedy

My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.

@Dani_Feld

LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET

@BonaFideIntent

Drunk Draft Folder Contents:

“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”

@AndyAsAdjective

I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.

@olerunkbitch

I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.

@AndyAsAdjective

What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.