imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
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I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
I will never stop laughing at this
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people