imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
You Might Also Like
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
LOL
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.