Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
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Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
Hank is one in a melon.
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up