@Amusitr0n

Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.

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@TweetsByTheTony

Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.

*winks*

@Discourt

Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.

@adamgreattweet

My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex

@smithsara79

[trying to make a new friend]

…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go

@0ne_1980

[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*

@XplodingUnicorn

My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.

I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.

She threw it at her sister’s head.

@kenzianidiot

what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?