@TweetsByTheTony Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
@Amusitr0n Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
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@TweetsByTheTony 
@Discourt Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
@adamgreattweet My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
@smithsara79 [trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
@0ne_1980 [1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
@XplodingUnicorn My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
@RichHarris2 95% of dentists recommend teeth.
@fillthevacuum *flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
@kenzianidiot what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
@MohitSharmaSays People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.