Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
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[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
Stop sending me this shit.
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.