Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
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Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
Things will get butter, keep churning
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.