Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
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THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.