Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
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him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
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I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers