Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
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ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
Salad is the decaf of food.
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo