imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
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My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!