Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
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Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer