Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
You Might Also Like
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
Message from the dog groomers
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
*limbos away from your hug*
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.