Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The 4 stages after getting dumped…

1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.

Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches

From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customers

holy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom

Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”

And then they eat all your fries.

When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…

Maybe there is a secret third thing

Dear Britain,

This Brexit vote is all wrong

If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.

Sincerely,

America

kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance

Me: What are you up to?

Her: I’m making Chinese.

Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.

* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross

May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean

“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels

I listened to an interview with Matt Damon this morning. We always listen to interviews together.

Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday

the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat

Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]

family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”

People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.

So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.

Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.

Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*

Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.

if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.

Them: how old are you

Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.

I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there

My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.

Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live

Me: is there anything you can do?

Doctor: I can juggle

Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that

Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks

That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.

Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”

And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”

My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.

If you were wondering about my hiding skills.

It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive

Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree