Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
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Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
is this a warning or an offer?
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.