Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
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the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
Me recordaron éste meme
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean