Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
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When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
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