@justky1018

Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon

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@Lisabug74

*yells from the back of an ambulance*

“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”

@ProgPro

“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”

*Deletes tweet*

*2 minutes later*

“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Can I have some of your candy?

3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?

Me:

3:

Me:

3:

Me: Deal.

Wife: NO!

@jwoodham

The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.

@kryzazzy

“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower

@_wendyb07

Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.

@nigelgodwin

My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them

@ArrogantBB8

*watches a movie with you*

*loudly beeps during all the good parts*

@UnFitz

Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.

@Humor_Fetish

Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”

Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”