imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
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[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.