Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
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The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.