imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
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Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
2 years later
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.