Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
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My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
That’s not how days work.
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.