imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
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if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
It was worth a shot 😂
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
Haha good job!!
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves