Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
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Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend