Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
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What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.